Entry 1

school starts Aug. 26. and this marks my grand return to the program since I dropped out two years ago. Why? In short, my thesis was in crisis, and I had to make a choice. (out of all the choices I’ve made, this one tops easy.)

It’s been a hard two years. I started to doubt. I doubted my ability to write. To endure. To learn. To stay disciplined. I felt defeated. Tempted not to go back to school at all. It was this continuous loop of back and forth, back and forth. Indecisiveness is exhausting. Fear is an anchor. And I know if I don’t go back and finish this degree now, I will be tethered to that fear for the rest of my life. I also know that my life would be extraordinarily dull if I never wrote again.

Reminds me of that Steinbeck quote: the writer must believe that what he is doing is the most important thing in the world and must hold on to this illusion even when he know it isn’t true.

Here I am now: a brand new thesis in my pocket, and a twinkle in my eye.

full disclosure: the twinkle isn’t in my eye 100% of the time. just only some of the time, and even then it’s a very faint twinkle. you can barely see it.

I do have nerves. Butterfly swarm in my stomach. What if the same thing happens again?

I’m also questioning why I think I’ll have the extra time to devote to a blog.

15 days left.